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“So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11, NLT)”
I recently read a quote from a report issued the US National Institute for Mental Health (NIMH). “Many of our daily conversations are actually mutual counseling sessions whereby we exchange the reassurance and advice that help us deal with routine stresses.”
What I found most troubling in that statement was the idea of how many people today aren’t having conversations. Isolation has been normalized in our world. People all over no longer gather like they used to. There is actually a group of men in Japan called the Hikikomori, a segment of the adult population who live at home with their parents and intentionally live lives of extreme withdrawal and isolation. They argue that life for them is safer and healthier living completely cut off rather than interacting in the dangerous world.
While we don’t have a name for it in North America, the phenomenon of men and women who shut themselves off from regular human interaction is at an all-time high. Video games, social media, YouTube, and Uber Eats has become the way of life for millions of Millennials and Gen Xers.
I will call this trend of extreme isolation what it is: a relational poison. Make a short list of what keeps a human being healthy, and connection and human interaction are always there. To deny oneself intimacy and relationship with other people is to commit slow and progressive suicide.
Most people who live this way, however, are not making the claim of the Hikikomori. They aren’t arguing for the legitimacy of isolation, they are only saying they don’t know how to escape the cycle. When they decide to bite the bullet and show up at a church service on a Sunday morning, instead of finding hope and joy in the room, they find anxiety and panic. People set them off.
Much of what makes this problem what it is won’t get fixed with a few trite words of advice. But if I were to offer some advice anyway for those of us who know and deal with people living isolated, it's this; you have what is needed to help people.
It’s called encouragement. Not polite but useless “It’s all gonna get better” encouragement. I’m talking about the kind of interaction that builds people up. There are a few ways you can extend this encouragement on a regular basis for people who are relationally broken.
Put the judgmentalism away – much of the advice given by loved ones to people who are struggling comes unintentionally in the form of judgment. You make an effort to say something that might hopefully help them snap out of it, so that they might go on living life, but what actually happens is you drive them further down because your advice makes them feel like they are wrong. It’s not about right versus wrong. It’s about healthiness versus unwellness.
ALWAYS lift up those who are down with positive truth – When someone appears to be emotionally hurting, the FIRST thing they need is to be lifted up. That can be done better by taking the time to be present and listen when they talk without a whole lot of fixit advice. It can also be done by not helping them climb deeper into depression when they go off on a negative tangent. “My entire life sucks!” shouldn’t be followed by “yeah, it looks bad, you’re right.” Negative lies do not need endorsement. Instead, focus on the positive truths. “In what way are things not that bad? What strengths do they have to work through tough times?” Feed positive truth every chance you get.
Commit to being there for them for the long run – The hardest part about helping those who want to withdraw from the world is getting them back into it again. The very thing they need is also the thing they believe is too painful to cope with. Time with people. This is where encouragement does its best work. Finding safe and sustainable gatherings can be difficult, but well worth the effort. Not overdoing it also matters.
Medicine comes in so many forms with each drug performing a different task intent on a different result. The same goes for emotional well-being. Not everyone will respond the same when you invite them for coffee, have them over for dinner, or bring them to church on a Sunday morning. But remember, if you’re committed to walking with them on the longer road, you won’t give up on them because you wouldn’t want anyone to give up on you either.